So why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Dreams. I dream of a world. A better world where a chicken can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

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Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 “To everything there is a season…”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Ecclesiastes 31-8 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...

To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and time to hate;
A time for war, and a time for peace.

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Two Ladies Talking In Heaven

Two Ladies Talking In Heaven

Two Ladies Talking In Heaven --- The Two Angels

1st woman: “Hi! My name is Sherry.”
2nd woman: “Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?”

1st woman: “I froze to death.”
2nd woman: “How horrible!”

1st woman: “It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”

2nd woman: “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.”

1st woman: “So, what happened?”

2nd woman: “I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and ran down into the basement and searched. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.”

1st woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

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My New Job as a Walmart Greeter

 

My New Job as a Walmart Greeter

My New Job as a Walmart Greeter (humor--jokes)

So I finally landed a job as a Walmart greeter, which is a good gig for many retirees, unfortunately I only lasted a couple hours.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is nine and the other one is seven. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

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Celebrity Birthdays: May 03, 2015 – May 09, 2015

Celebrity Birthdays of note for the week of
May 03, 2015 – May 09, 2015

May 03 – Cheryl Burke

Cheryl Burke (May 3, 1984) Professional dancer known for being one of the professional dancers on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars where she was the first professional female dancer to win and the first to win twice.

Cheryl Burke (May 3, 1984) Professional dancer known for being one of the professional dancers on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars where she was the first professional female dancer to win and the first to win twice.

May 03 – Christina Hendricks

Christina Hendricks (May 3, 1975) American actress best known for her role as Joan Harris in the AMC television series Mad Men, for which she has been nominated for five Emmy Awards.

Christina Hendricks (May 3, 1975) American actress best known for her role as Joan Harris in the AMC television series Mad Men, for which she has been nominated for five Emmy Awards.

May 04 – Grace Phipps

Grace Phipps (May 4, 1992) American actress best known for her role as Amy in The Nine Lives of Chloe King and as April Young in season four of The Vampire Diaries.

Grace Phipps (May 4, 1992) American actress best known for her role as Amy in The Nine Lives of Chloe King and as April Young in season four of The Vampire Diaries.

May 04 – Erin Andrews

Erin Andrews (May 4, 1978) American sportscaster, journalist, and television personality currently hosts FOX College Football for Fox Sports, as well as Dancing with the Stars for ABC.

Erin Andrews (May 4, 1978) American sportscaster, journalist, and television personality currently hosts FOX College Football for Fox Sports, as well as Dancing with the Stars for ABC.

May 05 – Adele

Adele Adkins (May 5, 1988) Popular award winning British singer and songwriter has sold an estimated 40 million albums and 50 million singles worldwide.

Adele Adkins (May 5, 1988) Popular award winning British singer and songwriter has sold an estimated 40 million albums and 50 million singles worldwide.

May 05 – Henry Cavill

Henry Cavill (May 5, 1983) British actor and model played the superhero Clark Kent Kal-El in the 2013 film Man of Steel, a role that he will be reprising in Batman vs Superman - Dawn of Justice and Justice League.

Henry Cavill (May 5, 1983) British actor and model played the superhero Clark Kent Kal-El in the 2013 film Man of Steel, a role that he will be reprising in Batman vs Superman – Dawn of Justice and Justice League.

May 05 – Hannah Davis

Hannah Davis (May 5, 1990) American fashion model who appeared in the 2013 and 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues and was featured on the cover for the 2015 edition.

Hannah Davis (May 5, 1990) American fashion model who appeared in the 2013 and 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues and was featured on the cover for the 2015 edition.

May 05 – John Rhys-Davies

John Rhys-Davies (May 5, 1944) Welsh actor is perhaps best known for playing the dwarf Gimli in The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the charismatic Arab excavator Sallah in the Indiana Jones films.

John Rhys-Davies (May 5, 1944) Welsh actor is perhaps best known for playing the dwarf Gimli in The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the charismatic Arab excavator Sallah in the Indiana Jones films.

May 06 – Adrianne Palicki

Adrianne Palicki (May 6, 1983) American actress best known for her role as Tyra Collette in the television series Friday Night Lights and currently plays Barbara Bobbi Morse on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2014–present).

Adrianne Palicki (May 6, 1983) American actress best known for her role as Tyra Collette in the television series Friday Night Lights and currently plays Barbara Bobbi Morse on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2014–present).

May 06 – George Clooney

George Clooney (May 6, 1961) American actor, writer, producer, and director has received three Golden Globe Awards for his work as an actor and two Academy Awards, one for acting and the other for producing.

George Clooney (May 6, 1961) American actor, writer, producer, and director has received three Golden Globe Awards for his work as an actor and two Academy Awards, one for acting and the other for producing.

May 07 – Alexander Ludwig

Alexander Ludwig (May 7, 1992) Canadian actor films include The Seeker The Dark Is Rising, Disney’s Race to Witch Mountain and The Hunger Games. Currently appears in the History Channel series Vikings.

Alexander Ludwig (May 7, 1992) Canadian actor films include The Seeker The Dark Is Rising, Disney’s Race to Witch Mountain and The Hunger Games. Currently appears in the History Channel series Vikings.

May 08 – Melissa Gilbert

Melissa Gilbert (May 8, 1964) Actress best known for playing Laura Ingalls Wilder on the NBC series Little House on the Prairie (1974-1984) and has appeared in several popular television films.

Melissa Gilbert (May 8, 1964) Actress best known for playing Laura Ingalls Wilder on the NBC series Little House on the Prairie (1974-1984) and has appeared in several popular television films.

May 09 – Rosario Dawson

Rosario Dawson (May 9, 1979) Actress has appeared in films such as Men in Black II, Sin City, Clerks II, Rent, Death Proof, The Rundown, Eagle Eye, Alexander, Seven Pounds, Trance, and Top Five.

Rosario Dawson (May 9, 1979) Actress has appeared in films such as Men in Black II, Sin City, Clerks II, Rent, Death Proof, The Rundown, Eagle Eye, Alexander, Seven Pounds, Trance, and Top Five.

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