VALENTINE’S DAY HUMOR
It’s only four days until Valentine’s Day and YOU still haven’t bought your sweetheart a gift, and what’s worse, you have no idea what to get her. Well, I can’t really help you out there. I always messed that up myself, but from experience I can tell you what not to give her for Valentine’s Day.
My top ten gifts NOT to give your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day!!
10. Any video starring Jenna Jamison.
09. Any appliance or tool from Sear’s harder side.
08. Anything you ever gave another woman. (She will somehow know!!)
07. Flowers from a hospital gift shop, or worse yet, from a mortuary.
06. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts with, “There once was a girl from Nantucket…”
05. A box of chocolates, carefully arranged to try to hide the fact that you ate all the caramel ones.
04. Lingerie that you think will almost look as good on her as it did the Victoria Secret model.
03. Any piece of clothing with “push-up” or “slim down look” on the label.
02. Any food item with “diet”, “high fiber”, or “less fat” on the label.
01. The #1 thing to not give your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day is a bewildered look and the words “That was today?”
An honest Valentine that will get you nowhere in a hurry!!
I Am A Man But I Really Tried
To Be 6 Again…
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since Valentine’s Day was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for Valentine’s Day.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size, You dumb ass!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.